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Friday, December 09, 2005
Chapter 1
Read these first:
Introduction
Background Tales
Note: This chapter has been re-edited, with some minor changes.
Pei Jien sat motionless by the window, staring at the darkened sky outside. She had sat there for quite awhile now. Half an hour, perhaps. Or maybe more. She wasn't too sure.
It was just that she didn't feel like going anywhere right then, and she felt ridiculous for feeling that way.
Just who would be apprehensive about going for a party at the age of 19?
Yet she was. And the impending rainfall wasn't helping her feel any bit more like going out. In fact, it seemed like a valid excuse.
She picked up her handphone from the nearby table and dialled Wati's number.
"Hey Wati... looks like going to rain lah... think I don't want to go for the party..." Pei Jien whined in a tone that she hoped would portray her un-enthusiasm of going altogether.
"Eh, don't be silly. You already promised me, okay? And besides, how can you miss Josh's party just like that? Helloooo...? It's Josh's party, okay?"
Did it really matter that it was his party? She didn't see what difference it would make to him that she was there, what with the huge noisy crowd of friends that she was expecting to see there.
"Errr..... lazy lah..." Pei Jien made another feeble attempt.
"Soo Pei Jien, you are going with me to that party, okay? You promised already..." Wati said firmly. "Look, I'll drive to your apartment and pick you up, alright? There... no need to drive already... and no worry about the rain..."
Pei Jien couldn't find any other excuses to counter that, so reluctantly she agreed and ended the call. It had changed nothing, least of all her irrational fears about going for that party.
She chucked the phone back on the table and sighed.
Parties. I've never liked parties.
Die lah tonight.
She rose from her chair at the window, and began rummaging through her wardrobe for something decent to wear. It’d only be an hour or so before Wati arrived at her apartment to pick her up for the party. She was usually slow at getting herself ready for such outings like this, and she needed all the time she could get.
* * *
Joshua stood staring out at the front lawn of his house and smiled to himself. Everything was nice and neat and all in place.
He’d just got the grass mowed earlier in the day, with the help of Marcus and Rajesh. They’d even managed to trim all the potted plants, and remove all the ugly weeds that were nestled comfortably within. Personally, Joshua thought it was fussing a little too much to bother with the finer points of gardening, but they had insisted.
“It’s your birthday, man… so we do extra favours for you lah, you know… Other times in the year, won’t have, okay?” Rajesh had said jokingly.
Joshua grinned to himself just remembering their conversation. Those two were the best friends he had. No doubt about that.
The barbeque pit was standing ready, with a small table placed nearby, laden with bowls of cold salad, paper cups and plates, raw corns on the cob, potatoes, butter, barbeque seasoning, and all the other necessary utensils. Plastic tables and chairs were arranged at random places all across the front yard.
It was nice to have a house large enough for such festivities. Thank God for it, otherwise having to make reservations at some fancy restaurant would surely burn up more cash than his pocket money could pay for.
Joshua checked his watch. 7.20 p.m. Another 10 minutes before he could expect any of his friends to get here. He heard a rumble of thunder in the distance, and glanced up at the gloomy sky above. The thick black clouds ahead seemed a sure sign of a heavy downpour. Just what he didn’t need.
He fiddled with his watch, sliding it up and down along his wrist, whilst he thought of what alternatives he had, should it actually rain. It was an Alba watch, rather new. An early birthday gift from his parents about a week ago. An itch developed, and he took the watch off his wrist to scratch.
“Hey birthday boy! Open gate ah!” A voice called out to him. He looked up to see Marcus at his gate, with Mei Hsia, his girlfriend.
“Hang on a second,” he said as he dashed indoors to look for the keys. He found them in their usual place, in the rattan basket on top of the bookshelf. He left his watch there, picked up the keys and hurried to open the gate for his friends.
* * *
Wati let out a small yawn and stretched as much as she possibly could within the constraints of her Kancil’s* interior. It had been a long day of classes at university, and she was in dire need of rest. But tonight was Joshua’s 21st birthday party, and she definitely couldn’t afford to miss it.
[*Kancil is a model of one of the Malaysian made cars.]
She would never forget the time when Joshua had encouraged her to apply for a scholarship from their university, in order to take the burden off from her parents to pay for her tuition fees. Hers was not a rich family by any means; in fact with so many children in the family, they barely got by. At that time, Wati’s father had just lost his job, and she faced the dilemma of whether she should give up her degree and take up a job to support the rest of her family.
It was Joshua who had persistently advised her to apply for that scholarship, for which she felt totally sure would get rejected by the school coordinator. Yet to her surprise, it was approved.
If not for Joshua, things might have gone differently for her.
It was her way of honouring good friends by being there during the meaningful events of their life. Tonight would be one such occasion for Joshua, she was certain. She had made sure to get him a nice present. Her way of repaying him for the many times he’d been so kind to her.
Now, all she had left to do was to drive over to Pei Jien’s apartment, pick her up and then they’d be on their way over to Joshua’s house for the party.
She put the key into the ignition, started the car and backed out of the parking lot. She turned on the radio as she went, a means for keeping herself alert as she drove. Traffic looked heavy out on the main road, and with the sky threatening to rain, she hoped hard there would be no traffic jams on the journey. She’d hate to arrive late for the party.
* * *
Pei Jien was still feeling reluctant to go for Joshua’s party, and that sentiment stayed with her for almost the whole journey to Joshua’s house. She felt rather moody today for some reason, and it was eating away at her somewhat. She just felt like being alone. Alone to be herself and to be with her thoughts.
Being with others meant having to watch what you said and did carefully. It meant being polite and mindful of other’s feelings and needs. To her, it was all a huge bundle of unnecessary complicatedness that she’d prefer to be spared of as often as she could.
Yet at the same time, she longed for close friends. For someone who understood her to the very core. The kind of friends who know what you think before you say it, and are there when you need them most. And she frequently dreamed of what it would be like to have a boyfriend as well, though she had always been a tad too fearful to ever consider seriously any of the guys in her life.
Somehow, this dreadful conflict in her mind about which of the two she wanted more – solitude or company – kept her often times rather discontented in a complex sort of way that she felt would be hard for anyone to understand.
It was this same unsettled feeling that lingered with her as she sat in Wati’s car. It made her nervous about the crowd at Joshua’s place. It made her restless. It made her wish she’d stayed at home. She wanted to be quiet and hopefully calm herself down before they reached their destination.
But Wati wanted to talk. Pei Jien found this adding to her anxiety, because her mind wasn’t clear enough to think up appropriate responses. She didn’t realise that Wati merely wanted to talk because she was worried she’d fall asleep halfway whilst driving.
“Eh, Charlene said she wants to go to One Utama next weekend… to shop for a new pair of shoes… What you think of that new shop there ah? ShoeStrings? A bit pricey, right?”
“I don’t know lah, Wati…” Pei Jien said unenthusiastically. “I haven’t shopped for shoes in ages.”
She hoped that would put a temporary end to the conversation.
For a moment, there was silence.
“But then, the shoes there quite comfy also lah… my cousin went there last weekend. She says the high heels section has some interesting shoe designs. She just bought a pair… You been there before or not?”
It wouldn’t do for Pei Jien to just keep giving lame replies. So she had to just go along with it.
“No, I haven’t yet. What’s the price ranges there like?”
On and on the conversation went. A typical girls and shopping thing. Wati had somehow gotten Pei Jien to agree to go shopping with her and Charlene by the time they were nearing Joshua’s house. Wati always had some weird way of getting Pei Jien to agree to things, usually much to Pei Jien’s regret later on when she had time to think it over on her own. Because when Wati’s talking, there isn’t really much time to think.
But Pei Jien was more worried about surviving the party than thinking about their shopping plans.
They were only a road away from Joshua’s house when the pitter patter of raindrops began.
“Ah, habis* lah like that… Josh’s barbeque idea won’t work in this sort of weather…” Wati muttered.
[*Habis means finished or gone]
It made no difference to Pei Jien. Indoors or outdoors, the apprehension about the crowd and how she’d pass her time at the party remained.
Soon, Wati’s car reached the road where Joshua lived. From a distance, they could see all the guests who were out in his garden scrambling to gather up their plates and drinks and to hurry inside the house. Those who had already rescued their food out of the rain came back a second time to help get the plastic chairs and tables that were spread out across the front yard out of the rain.
It was in the midst of this ongoing frenzy that Pei Jien and Wati stepped through Joshua’s front gate, which at that time, was wide open.
“Oi, Wati… Pei Jien… now only arrive here, ah?”
Rajesh, who’d just finished carrying a stack of the last few plastic chairs out of the rain, called out to them.
“Jam lah on the highway,” Wati said nonchalantly.
They’d only been half an hour late. She figured they probably wouldn’t have missed much. Considering the factor of Malaysian timing, she expected that a majority of guests would have only showed up at some point after 7.30 p.m., the designated time for the party.
“Where’s Josh?”
“In the kitchen, I think…” Rajesh pointed towards the inside of the house. “He and some of the others trying to come up with some alternative menu, what with all this rain. Ah, you know lah… Malaysians don’t survive very well when hungry.”
Wati let out a little laugh, & pat Rajesh on the shoulder as she and Pei Jien walked past him.
“Hey Pei Jien,” Rajesh greeted Pei Jien again, as she was going by. Pei Jien merely gave him a tiny smile before walking on.
Up to this point, Pei Jien was slowly taking in her surroundings. She hadn’t said a word since she and Wati had left the car. It was now that she would be able to decide whether her fears about coming for Joshua’s party were in fact based on solid reality or were simply an unfounded, irrational fear.
As they stepped into Joshua’s house, she noted how big and spacious the house was. Many of the party guests were lounging around in the living area, sitting on the sofa or on the floor. Others were standing in small groups and talking amongst themselves. Many were still holding on to what remained of the food that they’d safely salvaged from out of the rain. There was obviously some noise from the ongoing chatter, with occasional outbursts of laughter in some of the small groups that were spread out all across the room.
Some music was going on in the background. To her surprise, it was at a reasonable volume, and not blaring away and drowning out the conversations that were taking place. It was some light jazz music. Not quite as noisy or rowdy an atmosphere as Pei Jien had expected to see.
Occasionally, as she and Wati made their way across the hall, someone would call out and say hi to them. Or they’d bump into some classmate and exchange a few words. Wati was the one doing the talking. Pei Jien kept her involvement to a minimum, although she did the polite thing, of course, and said the necessary “How are you?” and “What time did you arrive here?” and all that.
Yet at the back of her mind, the anxiety was still very much there. She’d felt a certain degree of nervousness nagging at her. She was worried how she’d fit in with the crowd. A silly thing to worry about, she’d told herself countless times. But that didn’t change the fact that it still bothered her.
Finally they reached the kitchen. They were met by a great bustle of activity inside. Mei Hsia was busy with Charlene in front of the stove, trying to fry some sausages and beefburger meat patties. Marcus was busy teasing Mei Hsia about how she’d probably burn the sausages since she didn’t know much about cooking. Joshua was standing with Hafiz over the kitchen counter, trying to fix some more fruit punch to make sure there was enough to go around.
They all looked up at almost the same time to see Wati and Pei Jien enter the kitchen.
“Hi you guys,” Wati greeted them all cheerfully. “Hey Josh, happy birthday.” Wati went over to him and extended a brown paper bag in his direction.
“Happy birthday Josh,” Pei Jien echoed, and handed her present to Joshua too. Hers, unlike Wati’s, was wrapped up in a huge square box.
“Hey thanks,” Joshua grinned as he took the presents from the two of them. “Glad you guys could make it in spite of all this rain. Better grab something to eat... Oi, Marcus… pass them some of those sausages lah…”
“Yes boss,” Marcus said jokingly, and fetched two paper plates from the kitchen counter. “Mei, pass some sausages please.”
Marcus handed them each a plate with two sausages and some coleslaw he dished out of a nearby bowl.
“Some fried mee over there as well,” he said as he passed them their plates. He motioned towards a tray of fried mee at the other end of the kitchen on another table. “You help yourselves if you want some lah.”
“There are some cups here for the fruit punch as well,” Joshua exclaimed. “Here, I’ll get you both some.”
“Oh okay… thanks…” Pei Jien said, trying to sound pleased and at ease. Trying was the word. She was trying to keep that ridiculous sense of nervousness she felt under control.
She and Wati lingered in the kitchen as they ate, since the company there was basically their closest friends from university. Even though a majority of the other guests were people they sort of knew too, it was these few that they frequently hung out with in between classes and for all those other times when they were free enough to go for outings together.
Pei Jien found this rather comforting. At least she was in the presence of good friends. Nothing to get all stressed about. So far, so good. She even managed to chat with Joshua a little, besides listening and laughing at the occasional little jokes that surfaced every now and then. These were mostly started by Marcus or Wati.
Then Rajesh poked his head through the kitchen door.
“Hey Josh, let me take over and work with Hafiz on the punch lah… you shouldn’t stay in here so long. It’s your birthday party, you know.” Rajesh took the bottle of cordial out of Joshua’s hand. “Go outside and wave or talk to the others or something.”
Joshua chuckled at Rajesh’s little remark, and then said, “Thanks man.”
Before moving towards the kitchen door to make his exit, however, he turned to Wati and Pei Jien. “Eh you two, let’s go outside lah… no use always crowding round this same boring bunch.”
“Eleh,” the other five chorused in protest as the three of them made their way out of the door. They knew of course, that he was joking.
Pei Jien was somewhat reluctant to leave the comfortable setting at the kitchen. She felt safe there, amongst her closer friends. Now that she’d have to follow Joshua and Wati out to the main hall, she felt her nervousness getting at her again.
The dreaded woes that Pei Jien had been worried about earlier began to be more of a growing concern once Wati started talking to some other people that Pei Jien was less familiar with. She didn’t mind Wati doing that, only that since she wasn’t actively involved in their conversation, she felt a bit redundant and uneasy just standing there.
Like a total idiot, she thought to herself.
Some guy from their class decided to come say hi. She didn’t know him all that well, only that they’d been in the same group for a tutorial presentation once, and he’d helped her with her presentation preparation. She hated public speaking, and had eagerly welcomed his help. They were from the same intake, but hadn’t been in another class together since then. It had been almost one semester ago since they had last spoke to each other.
“Hi…err….” She started to say, as he came towards her. Trouble was, she’d forgotten his name. A bad start to a conversation.
“Pei Jien, you came with Wati, is it?”
Just what Pei Jien needed. He had remembered her name.
“Hi… ah… yeah…” She found herself saying. She hoped he wouldn’t notice that she’d forgotten his name.
And as far as Pei Jien was concerned, that was where her nightmare began. She had this habit of being slightly short of breath whenever she talked to guys, whether she was attracted to them or not. It was just an inability to be herself somewhat, and she resented it terribly. She was a lame conversationalist, in her own opinion, and she felt that if she had found her own remarks such a bore, surely others would, all the more.
Thankfully though, he said he needed to use the toilet after awhile and excused himself. Pei Jien made sure to go across to the far side of the hall to sit on the sofa. It was a good time to escape further embarrassment. She still had some mee on her plate to finish, and it was a good time as any to break away from talking to that guy.
As she sat herself down on the soft sofa cushion, she suddenly recalled his name.
Hao Wern.
Trust her brain to remember things when she needed them. She sighed to herself as she stuffed the remaining few mouthfuls of mee into her mouth.
Another girl came and sat next to her on the sofa, sipping away at the drink in her paper cup. A boy came and sat next to her. Pei Jien glanced over at them. Not anyone she knew. They were obviously a couple and were talking in a slightly softer tones compared to other guests who were nearby. It made Pei Jien feel like she was intruding. She felt awfully uncomfortable.
Again.
There weren’t any other vacant chairs in the living room for her to move to. She looked around for where Wati was. She was still yakking with the same friend that she’d been with earlier. Pei Jien felt… abandoned in some ways. Joshua was busy talking to some other people she didn’t know. The bunch that was in the kitchen still hadn’t come outside yet.
Maybe she should go back in there.
She stood up to go and began to walk towards the kitchen, but somehow accidentally knocked the hand of the girl who had been sitting next to her. The paper cup flew from the girl’s hand and spilled its contents onto her skirt, part of the sofa seat and also on the floor.
“Oh no…” Pei Jien cried out. “So sorry, so sorry,” She hurried to the nearby tissue box that was on the coffee table. Of all things to do, she just had to go and embarrass herself further.
She helped to clean up the mess as much as she could, but the girl was visibly displeased. Pei Jien was almost certain she had just spoilt that moment she and the guy were enjoying together just moments ago.
Joshua came over to see what was going on. He helped to pick up the cup that was now on the floor. Pei Jien tried to wipe up whatever had gotten onto the floor, whilst still being apologetic to the girl and to Joshua for what just happened.
“Don’t worry about it,” Joshua reassured her. “We’ll run a mop over it later.” He fetched a damp cloth and helped to wipe over the spots Pei Jien had already gone over with tissues to dry up the wetness. Pei Jien tried to clean up the sofa seat as well.
He’s just saying that to be nice and act like it’s no big deal, Pei Jien thought to herself.
It didn’t make her feel any better. In fact, this was worse than talking to Hao Wern earlier. She kept saying sorry to the girl, who was busy dabbing away furiously at her skirt. It was mostly in vain. The colours from the drink had already seeped into the cloth. It stood out stubbornly despite the girls many attempts to try and clean it out.
Pei Jien stared at the skirt and took stock of the damage, which was to almost the whole front portion of the skirt. It had been a white skirt before. Now it looked pretty much like a dyed skirt, more or less.
“It’s okay lah,” the girl said to Pei Jien. But from the way she said it, Pei Jien knew that despite those words, she was still annoyed.
Pei Jien had gotten some of the drink spilled onto her shirt sleeve as well. After having made peace as best she could with that girl, she hurried to the toilet to clean up her own clothes. Her arm was also sticky from the fruit juice.
Stupid me.
Pei Jien thought to herself, and shook her head as she stared at her reflection in the toilet mirror.
So stupid.
It was as Pei Jien was walking back out to join the crowd of birthday guests that it happened. She was staring at a bookshelf to her left, which was up against the wall. She had been peering inquisitively at the books inside as she passed, wondering at the kind of books Joshua usually read.
Then, she saw it. A silver Alba watch. It looked pretty new.
She stopped. She stared. Then she did what she should never have dared to do. But she had done this before. And she certainly had done it again.
In it went, right into the bag she had slung on her shoulder. She had no need for such things. And it was not like she could actually afford to jeopardise the trust her university friends had in her.
Yet these are the very things that are not factored in during the split seconds where weakness crowds out both sanity and reason at the same time.
She could blame it on the lousy way she felt prior to that. Or the fact that she had been obligated, almost forced, to come for the party that day. Perhaps even acknowledging the existence of a strange, almost alien feeling that made it seem that it was all merely an accident. An inevitable twist of events that had sprung itself upon her at a time of irrepressible anxiety.
Nevertheless, no matter which way you looked at it, the fact remains that she had taken that watch.
And almost immediately, she wanted to put it back.
Her hand was already inside her bag, but the watch was still in her grasp. For a moment, Pei Jien froze, uncertain.
What on earth am I doing?
Maybe she should just place it back again on the shelf where it came from. She shouldn’t do this. Not to Joshua...
A fleeting thought which came a little too late.
“Eh, Pei Jien! There you are!” Wati’s voice shot right through the silence, startling Pei Jien. She turned to find Wati standing there just behind her. “Where have you been? You’re missing the birthday song.”
Wati obviously hadn’t seen what Pei Jien just did. But all the same, Pei Jien’s heart begin to race from Wati’s sudden appearance and the growing realisation on Pei Jien’s part that she had just added another grievous mistake to the list of things that had gone wrong that night.
To make matters worse, from then on right up ‘till the time they went home, there was no more an opportunity to even attempt to replace that watch back on the bookshelf.
In her bag it had to stay.
Guilt had won the day.
Introduction
Background Tales
Note: This chapter has been re-edited, with some minor changes.
Pei Jien sat motionless by the window, staring at the darkened sky outside. She had sat there for quite awhile now. Half an hour, perhaps. Or maybe more. She wasn't too sure.
It was just that she didn't feel like going anywhere right then, and she felt ridiculous for feeling that way.
Just who would be apprehensive about going for a party at the age of 19?
Yet she was. And the impending rainfall wasn't helping her feel any bit more like going out. In fact, it seemed like a valid excuse.
She picked up her handphone from the nearby table and dialled Wati's number.
"Hey Wati... looks like going to rain lah... think I don't want to go for the party..." Pei Jien whined in a tone that she hoped would portray her un-enthusiasm of going altogether.
"Eh, don't be silly. You already promised me, okay? And besides, how can you miss Josh's party just like that? Helloooo...? It's Josh's party, okay?"
Did it really matter that it was his party? She didn't see what difference it would make to him that she was there, what with the huge noisy crowd of friends that she was expecting to see there.
"Errr..... lazy lah..." Pei Jien made another feeble attempt.
"Soo Pei Jien, you are going with me to that party, okay? You promised already..." Wati said firmly. "Look, I'll drive to your apartment and pick you up, alright? There... no need to drive already... and no worry about the rain..."
Pei Jien couldn't find any other excuses to counter that, so reluctantly she agreed and ended the call. It had changed nothing, least of all her irrational fears about going for that party.
She chucked the phone back on the table and sighed.
Parties. I've never liked parties.
Die lah tonight.
She rose from her chair at the window, and began rummaging through her wardrobe for something decent to wear. It’d only be an hour or so before Wati arrived at her apartment to pick her up for the party. She was usually slow at getting herself ready for such outings like this, and she needed all the time she could get.
* * *
Joshua stood staring out at the front lawn of his house and smiled to himself. Everything was nice and neat and all in place.
He’d just got the grass mowed earlier in the day, with the help of Marcus and Rajesh. They’d even managed to trim all the potted plants, and remove all the ugly weeds that were nestled comfortably within. Personally, Joshua thought it was fussing a little too much to bother with the finer points of gardening, but they had insisted.
“It’s your birthday, man… so we do extra favours for you lah, you know… Other times in the year, won’t have, okay?” Rajesh had said jokingly.
Joshua grinned to himself just remembering their conversation. Those two were the best friends he had. No doubt about that.
The barbeque pit was standing ready, with a small table placed nearby, laden with bowls of cold salad, paper cups and plates, raw corns on the cob, potatoes, butter, barbeque seasoning, and all the other necessary utensils. Plastic tables and chairs were arranged at random places all across the front yard.
It was nice to have a house large enough for such festivities. Thank God for it, otherwise having to make reservations at some fancy restaurant would surely burn up more cash than his pocket money could pay for.
Joshua checked his watch. 7.20 p.m. Another 10 minutes before he could expect any of his friends to get here. He heard a rumble of thunder in the distance, and glanced up at the gloomy sky above. The thick black clouds ahead seemed a sure sign of a heavy downpour. Just what he didn’t need.
He fiddled with his watch, sliding it up and down along his wrist, whilst he thought of what alternatives he had, should it actually rain. It was an Alba watch, rather new. An early birthday gift from his parents about a week ago. An itch developed, and he took the watch off his wrist to scratch.
“Hey birthday boy! Open gate ah!” A voice called out to him. He looked up to see Marcus at his gate, with Mei Hsia, his girlfriend.
“Hang on a second,” he said as he dashed indoors to look for the keys. He found them in their usual place, in the rattan basket on top of the bookshelf. He left his watch there, picked up the keys and hurried to open the gate for his friends.
* * *
Wati let out a small yawn and stretched as much as she possibly could within the constraints of her Kancil’s* interior. It had been a long day of classes at university, and she was in dire need of rest. But tonight was Joshua’s 21st birthday party, and she definitely couldn’t afford to miss it.
[*Kancil is a model of one of the Malaysian made cars.]
She would never forget the time when Joshua had encouraged her to apply for a scholarship from their university, in order to take the burden off from her parents to pay for her tuition fees. Hers was not a rich family by any means; in fact with so many children in the family, they barely got by. At that time, Wati’s father had just lost his job, and she faced the dilemma of whether she should give up her degree and take up a job to support the rest of her family.
It was Joshua who had persistently advised her to apply for that scholarship, for which she felt totally sure would get rejected by the school coordinator. Yet to her surprise, it was approved.
If not for Joshua, things might have gone differently for her.
It was her way of honouring good friends by being there during the meaningful events of their life. Tonight would be one such occasion for Joshua, she was certain. She had made sure to get him a nice present. Her way of repaying him for the many times he’d been so kind to her.
Now, all she had left to do was to drive over to Pei Jien’s apartment, pick her up and then they’d be on their way over to Joshua’s house for the party.
She put the key into the ignition, started the car and backed out of the parking lot. She turned on the radio as she went, a means for keeping herself alert as she drove. Traffic looked heavy out on the main road, and with the sky threatening to rain, she hoped hard there would be no traffic jams on the journey. She’d hate to arrive late for the party.
* * *
Pei Jien was still feeling reluctant to go for Joshua’s party, and that sentiment stayed with her for almost the whole journey to Joshua’s house. She felt rather moody today for some reason, and it was eating away at her somewhat. She just felt like being alone. Alone to be herself and to be with her thoughts.
Being with others meant having to watch what you said and did carefully. It meant being polite and mindful of other’s feelings and needs. To her, it was all a huge bundle of unnecessary complicatedness that she’d prefer to be spared of as often as she could.
Yet at the same time, she longed for close friends. For someone who understood her to the very core. The kind of friends who know what you think before you say it, and are there when you need them most. And she frequently dreamed of what it would be like to have a boyfriend as well, though she had always been a tad too fearful to ever consider seriously any of the guys in her life.
Somehow, this dreadful conflict in her mind about which of the two she wanted more – solitude or company – kept her often times rather discontented in a complex sort of way that she felt would be hard for anyone to understand.
It was this same unsettled feeling that lingered with her as she sat in Wati’s car. It made her nervous about the crowd at Joshua’s place. It made her restless. It made her wish she’d stayed at home. She wanted to be quiet and hopefully calm herself down before they reached their destination.
But Wati wanted to talk. Pei Jien found this adding to her anxiety, because her mind wasn’t clear enough to think up appropriate responses. She didn’t realise that Wati merely wanted to talk because she was worried she’d fall asleep halfway whilst driving.
“Eh, Charlene said she wants to go to One Utama next weekend… to shop for a new pair of shoes… What you think of that new shop there ah? ShoeStrings? A bit pricey, right?”
“I don’t know lah, Wati…” Pei Jien said unenthusiastically. “I haven’t shopped for shoes in ages.”
She hoped that would put a temporary end to the conversation.
For a moment, there was silence.
“But then, the shoes there quite comfy also lah… my cousin went there last weekend. She says the high heels section has some interesting shoe designs. She just bought a pair… You been there before or not?”
It wouldn’t do for Pei Jien to just keep giving lame replies. So she had to just go along with it.
“No, I haven’t yet. What’s the price ranges there like?”
On and on the conversation went. A typical girls and shopping thing. Wati had somehow gotten Pei Jien to agree to go shopping with her and Charlene by the time they were nearing Joshua’s house. Wati always had some weird way of getting Pei Jien to agree to things, usually much to Pei Jien’s regret later on when she had time to think it over on her own. Because when Wati’s talking, there isn’t really much time to think.
But Pei Jien was more worried about surviving the party than thinking about their shopping plans.
They were only a road away from Joshua’s house when the pitter patter of raindrops began.
“Ah, habis* lah like that… Josh’s barbeque idea won’t work in this sort of weather…” Wati muttered.
[*Habis means finished or gone]
It made no difference to Pei Jien. Indoors or outdoors, the apprehension about the crowd and how she’d pass her time at the party remained.
Soon, Wati’s car reached the road where Joshua lived. From a distance, they could see all the guests who were out in his garden scrambling to gather up their plates and drinks and to hurry inside the house. Those who had already rescued their food out of the rain came back a second time to help get the plastic chairs and tables that were spread out across the front yard out of the rain.
It was in the midst of this ongoing frenzy that Pei Jien and Wati stepped through Joshua’s front gate, which at that time, was wide open.
“Oi, Wati… Pei Jien… now only arrive here, ah?”
Rajesh, who’d just finished carrying a stack of the last few plastic chairs out of the rain, called out to them.
“Jam lah on the highway,” Wati said nonchalantly.
They’d only been half an hour late. She figured they probably wouldn’t have missed much. Considering the factor of Malaysian timing, she expected that a majority of guests would have only showed up at some point after 7.30 p.m., the designated time for the party.
“Where’s Josh?”
“In the kitchen, I think…” Rajesh pointed towards the inside of the house. “He and some of the others trying to come up with some alternative menu, what with all this rain. Ah, you know lah… Malaysians don’t survive very well when hungry.”
Wati let out a little laugh, & pat Rajesh on the shoulder as she and Pei Jien walked past him.
“Hey Pei Jien,” Rajesh greeted Pei Jien again, as she was going by. Pei Jien merely gave him a tiny smile before walking on.
Up to this point, Pei Jien was slowly taking in her surroundings. She hadn’t said a word since she and Wati had left the car. It was now that she would be able to decide whether her fears about coming for Joshua’s party were in fact based on solid reality or were simply an unfounded, irrational fear.
As they stepped into Joshua’s house, she noted how big and spacious the house was. Many of the party guests were lounging around in the living area, sitting on the sofa or on the floor. Others were standing in small groups and talking amongst themselves. Many were still holding on to what remained of the food that they’d safely salvaged from out of the rain. There was obviously some noise from the ongoing chatter, with occasional outbursts of laughter in some of the small groups that were spread out all across the room.
Some music was going on in the background. To her surprise, it was at a reasonable volume, and not blaring away and drowning out the conversations that were taking place. It was some light jazz music. Not quite as noisy or rowdy an atmosphere as Pei Jien had expected to see.
Occasionally, as she and Wati made their way across the hall, someone would call out and say hi to them. Or they’d bump into some classmate and exchange a few words. Wati was the one doing the talking. Pei Jien kept her involvement to a minimum, although she did the polite thing, of course, and said the necessary “How are you?” and “What time did you arrive here?” and all that.
Yet at the back of her mind, the anxiety was still very much there. She’d felt a certain degree of nervousness nagging at her. She was worried how she’d fit in with the crowd. A silly thing to worry about, she’d told herself countless times. But that didn’t change the fact that it still bothered her.
Finally they reached the kitchen. They were met by a great bustle of activity inside. Mei Hsia was busy with Charlene in front of the stove, trying to fry some sausages and beefburger meat patties. Marcus was busy teasing Mei Hsia about how she’d probably burn the sausages since she didn’t know much about cooking. Joshua was standing with Hafiz over the kitchen counter, trying to fix some more fruit punch to make sure there was enough to go around.
They all looked up at almost the same time to see Wati and Pei Jien enter the kitchen.
“Hi you guys,” Wati greeted them all cheerfully. “Hey Josh, happy birthday.” Wati went over to him and extended a brown paper bag in his direction.
“Happy birthday Josh,” Pei Jien echoed, and handed her present to Joshua too. Hers, unlike Wati’s, was wrapped up in a huge square box.
“Hey thanks,” Joshua grinned as he took the presents from the two of them. “Glad you guys could make it in spite of all this rain. Better grab something to eat... Oi, Marcus… pass them some of those sausages lah…”
“Yes boss,” Marcus said jokingly, and fetched two paper plates from the kitchen counter. “Mei, pass some sausages please.”
Marcus handed them each a plate with two sausages and some coleslaw he dished out of a nearby bowl.
“Some fried mee over there as well,” he said as he passed them their plates. He motioned towards a tray of fried mee at the other end of the kitchen on another table. “You help yourselves if you want some lah.”
“There are some cups here for the fruit punch as well,” Joshua exclaimed. “Here, I’ll get you both some.”
“Oh okay… thanks…” Pei Jien said, trying to sound pleased and at ease. Trying was the word. She was trying to keep that ridiculous sense of nervousness she felt under control.
She and Wati lingered in the kitchen as they ate, since the company there was basically their closest friends from university. Even though a majority of the other guests were people they sort of knew too, it was these few that they frequently hung out with in between classes and for all those other times when they were free enough to go for outings together.
Pei Jien found this rather comforting. At least she was in the presence of good friends. Nothing to get all stressed about. So far, so good. She even managed to chat with Joshua a little, besides listening and laughing at the occasional little jokes that surfaced every now and then. These were mostly started by Marcus or Wati.
Then Rajesh poked his head through the kitchen door.
“Hey Josh, let me take over and work with Hafiz on the punch lah… you shouldn’t stay in here so long. It’s your birthday party, you know.” Rajesh took the bottle of cordial out of Joshua’s hand. “Go outside and wave or talk to the others or something.”
Joshua chuckled at Rajesh’s little remark, and then said, “Thanks man.”
Before moving towards the kitchen door to make his exit, however, he turned to Wati and Pei Jien. “Eh you two, let’s go outside lah… no use always crowding round this same boring bunch.”
“Eleh,” the other five chorused in protest as the three of them made their way out of the door. They knew of course, that he was joking.
Pei Jien was somewhat reluctant to leave the comfortable setting at the kitchen. She felt safe there, amongst her closer friends. Now that she’d have to follow Joshua and Wati out to the main hall, she felt her nervousness getting at her again.
The dreaded woes that Pei Jien had been worried about earlier began to be more of a growing concern once Wati started talking to some other people that Pei Jien was less familiar with. She didn’t mind Wati doing that, only that since she wasn’t actively involved in their conversation, she felt a bit redundant and uneasy just standing there.
Like a total idiot, she thought to herself.
Some guy from their class decided to come say hi. She didn’t know him all that well, only that they’d been in the same group for a tutorial presentation once, and he’d helped her with her presentation preparation. She hated public speaking, and had eagerly welcomed his help. They were from the same intake, but hadn’t been in another class together since then. It had been almost one semester ago since they had last spoke to each other.
“Hi…err….” She started to say, as he came towards her. Trouble was, she’d forgotten his name. A bad start to a conversation.
“Pei Jien, you came with Wati, is it?”
Just what Pei Jien needed. He had remembered her name.
“Hi… ah… yeah…” She found herself saying. She hoped he wouldn’t notice that she’d forgotten his name.
And as far as Pei Jien was concerned, that was where her nightmare began. She had this habit of being slightly short of breath whenever she talked to guys, whether she was attracted to them or not. It was just an inability to be herself somewhat, and she resented it terribly. She was a lame conversationalist, in her own opinion, and she felt that if she had found her own remarks such a bore, surely others would, all the more.
Thankfully though, he said he needed to use the toilet after awhile and excused himself. Pei Jien made sure to go across to the far side of the hall to sit on the sofa. It was a good time to escape further embarrassment. She still had some mee on her plate to finish, and it was a good time as any to break away from talking to that guy.
As she sat herself down on the soft sofa cushion, she suddenly recalled his name.
Hao Wern.
Trust her brain to remember things when she needed them. She sighed to herself as she stuffed the remaining few mouthfuls of mee into her mouth.
Another girl came and sat next to her on the sofa, sipping away at the drink in her paper cup. A boy came and sat next to her. Pei Jien glanced over at them. Not anyone she knew. They were obviously a couple and were talking in a slightly softer tones compared to other guests who were nearby. It made Pei Jien feel like she was intruding. She felt awfully uncomfortable.
Again.
There weren’t any other vacant chairs in the living room for her to move to. She looked around for where Wati was. She was still yakking with the same friend that she’d been with earlier. Pei Jien felt… abandoned in some ways. Joshua was busy talking to some other people she didn’t know. The bunch that was in the kitchen still hadn’t come outside yet.
Maybe she should go back in there.
She stood up to go and began to walk towards the kitchen, but somehow accidentally knocked the hand of the girl who had been sitting next to her. The paper cup flew from the girl’s hand and spilled its contents onto her skirt, part of the sofa seat and also on the floor.
“Oh no…” Pei Jien cried out. “So sorry, so sorry,” She hurried to the nearby tissue box that was on the coffee table. Of all things to do, she just had to go and embarrass herself further.
She helped to clean up the mess as much as she could, but the girl was visibly displeased. Pei Jien was almost certain she had just spoilt that moment she and the guy were enjoying together just moments ago.
Joshua came over to see what was going on. He helped to pick up the cup that was now on the floor. Pei Jien tried to wipe up whatever had gotten onto the floor, whilst still being apologetic to the girl and to Joshua for what just happened.
“Don’t worry about it,” Joshua reassured her. “We’ll run a mop over it later.” He fetched a damp cloth and helped to wipe over the spots Pei Jien had already gone over with tissues to dry up the wetness. Pei Jien tried to clean up the sofa seat as well.
He’s just saying that to be nice and act like it’s no big deal, Pei Jien thought to herself.
It didn’t make her feel any better. In fact, this was worse than talking to Hao Wern earlier. She kept saying sorry to the girl, who was busy dabbing away furiously at her skirt. It was mostly in vain. The colours from the drink had already seeped into the cloth. It stood out stubbornly despite the girls many attempts to try and clean it out.
Pei Jien stared at the skirt and took stock of the damage, which was to almost the whole front portion of the skirt. It had been a white skirt before. Now it looked pretty much like a dyed skirt, more or less.
“It’s okay lah,” the girl said to Pei Jien. But from the way she said it, Pei Jien knew that despite those words, she was still annoyed.
Pei Jien had gotten some of the drink spilled onto her shirt sleeve as well. After having made peace as best she could with that girl, she hurried to the toilet to clean up her own clothes. Her arm was also sticky from the fruit juice.
Stupid me.
Pei Jien thought to herself, and shook her head as she stared at her reflection in the toilet mirror.
So stupid.
It was as Pei Jien was walking back out to join the crowd of birthday guests that it happened. She was staring at a bookshelf to her left, which was up against the wall. She had been peering inquisitively at the books inside as she passed, wondering at the kind of books Joshua usually read.
Then, she saw it. A silver Alba watch. It looked pretty new.
She stopped. She stared. Then she did what she should never have dared to do. But she had done this before. And she certainly had done it again.
In it went, right into the bag she had slung on her shoulder. She had no need for such things. And it was not like she could actually afford to jeopardise the trust her university friends had in her.
Yet these are the very things that are not factored in during the split seconds where weakness crowds out both sanity and reason at the same time.
She could blame it on the lousy way she felt prior to that. Or the fact that she had been obligated, almost forced, to come for the party that day. Perhaps even acknowledging the existence of a strange, almost alien feeling that made it seem that it was all merely an accident. An inevitable twist of events that had sprung itself upon her at a time of irrepressible anxiety.
Nevertheless, no matter which way you looked at it, the fact remains that she had taken that watch.
And almost immediately, she wanted to put it back.
Her hand was already inside her bag, but the watch was still in her grasp. For a moment, Pei Jien froze, uncertain.
What on earth am I doing?
Maybe she should just place it back again on the shelf where it came from. She shouldn’t do this. Not to Joshua...
A fleeting thought which came a little too late.
“Eh, Pei Jien! There you are!” Wati’s voice shot right through the silence, startling Pei Jien. She turned to find Wati standing there just behind her. “Where have you been? You’re missing the birthday song.”
Wati obviously hadn’t seen what Pei Jien just did. But all the same, Pei Jien’s heart begin to race from Wati’s sudden appearance and the growing realisation on Pei Jien’s part that she had just added another grievous mistake to the list of things that had gone wrong that night.
To make matters worse, from then on right up ‘till the time they went home, there was no more an opportunity to even attempt to replace that watch back on the bookshelf.
In her bag it had to stay.
Guilt had won the day.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Background Tales
Read this first: Introduction
For this post, I will take the time to give some background to why I chose to write this story & give you some facts which may be useful to your understanding of the story.
How The Title Came About
I chose the title to be The Screaming Silence because the story is about someone who is dealing with personal issues that are hard to share with others. Hence, the concept that although a person may be keeping silent about many areas in their life, they may in actual fact be screaming for help inside.
The Genre
I picked it out of the available categories listed for my Nanowrimo 2005 profile. It is under Young Adult & Youth. Being the amateur writer that I am, I thought it best to stick to a story setting that is closer to my own personal experiences, thus it is easier to imagine & carve out the plot for the story.
Why I Wrote This Story
I wanted to write a story about a young person struggling with a personal issue that is hard to disclose to other people. I chose to have my main character in the story suffer from kleptomania, because it's a rare psychological problem.
In some ways, I wrote this type of story because I identify with some of the feelings that I'm trying to portray in the characters for The Screaming Silence. I do not personally suffer from kleptomania, but I did have situations where I carried burdens in my heart that were hard to disclose to the people in my life.
About Kleptomania
I did attempt some research on this topic at the start of writing this novel. I shall try not to bog you down unnecessarily with too much details which I gathered from that research, but hopefully these little bits will help you appreciate the behaviour of my main character, Pei Jien, in The Screaming Silence.
1. Definition of Kleptomania
Kleptomania (word of Greek origin) is an inability to resist impulses of stealing
A person with this disorder is compelled to steal things, generally things of little or no value, such as pens, decorative pins, or wall decorations. They are often unaware of performing the theft until some time later...
Kleptomania is different from shoplifting, or ordinary theft, because shoplifters and theft steal for monetary value, or to gain possessions with intention, while people with kleptomania don't necessarily steal things of personal value.
Source: Wikipedia
2. Diagnostic Criteria for Kleptomania:
According to the DSM-IV codes, the diagnostic criteria for kleptomania is as follows:
For this post, I will take the time to give some background to why I chose to write this story & give you some facts which may be useful to your understanding of the story.
How The Title Came About
I chose the title to be The Screaming Silence because the story is about someone who is dealing with personal issues that are hard to share with others. Hence, the concept that although a person may be keeping silent about many areas in their life, they may in actual fact be screaming for help inside.
The Genre
I picked it out of the available categories listed for my Nanowrimo 2005 profile. It is under Young Adult & Youth. Being the amateur writer that I am, I thought it best to stick to a story setting that is closer to my own personal experiences, thus it is easier to imagine & carve out the plot for the story.
Why I Wrote This Story
I wanted to write a story about a young person struggling with a personal issue that is hard to disclose to other people. I chose to have my main character in the story suffer from kleptomania, because it's a rare psychological problem.
In some ways, I wrote this type of story because I identify with some of the feelings that I'm trying to portray in the characters for The Screaming Silence. I do not personally suffer from kleptomania, but I did have situations where I carried burdens in my heart that were hard to disclose to the people in my life.
About Kleptomania
I did attempt some research on this topic at the start of writing this novel. I shall try not to bog you down unnecessarily with too much details which I gathered from that research, but hopefully these little bits will help you appreciate the behaviour of my main character, Pei Jien, in The Screaming Silence.
1. Definition of Kleptomania
Kleptomania (word of Greek origin) is an inability to resist impulses of stealing
A person with this disorder is compelled to steal things, generally things of little or no value, such as pens, decorative pins, or wall decorations. They are often unaware of performing the theft until some time later...
Kleptomania is different from shoplifting, or ordinary theft, because shoplifters and theft steal for monetary value, or to gain possessions with intention, while people with kleptomania don't necessarily steal things of personal value.
Source: Wikipedia
2. Diagnostic Criteria for Kleptomania:
According to the DSM-IV codes, the diagnostic criteria for kleptomania is as follows:
- Recurrent failure to resist impulses to steal objects that are not needed for personal use or for their monetary value.
- Increasing sense of tension immediately before committing the theft.
- Pleasure, gratification, or relief at the time of committing the theft.
- The stealing is not committed to express anger or vengeance and is not in response to a delusion or hallucination.
- The stealing is not better accounted for by Conduct Disorder, a Manic Episode, or Antisocial Personality Disorder.
Source: http://www.thefttalk.com/kleptomania.htm
3. More Kleptomania Facts:
Kleptomania is a rare condition, and occurs in fewer than 5% of identified shoplifters. It has a much higher incidence in women than in men. It is also out of character, or as psychologists describe it, ego dystonic. This means that the person does not want to steal, and feels guilty about the behavior.
In fact, other than the focus on an illegal act, this disorder has many features in common with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
The essential difference is that, in addition to functioning as an anxiety release, the compulsive behavior in kleptomania also results in a temporary gratification.
Some people with kleptomania keep the objects they take secret. Others may feel guilty and will try to return the stolen items. People with kleptomania may go months or years without taking anything. Usually, they can even afford to buy the objects they have stolen.
Kleptomania has several different treatments. Behavior modification therapy is used for people with kleptomania, as well as family therapy.
Some medications that are used for people diagnosed with kleptomania are Prozac, Luvox, Paxil, Zoloft, Lithium, Desyrel, Trialodine, Depakine, Valproate, and Valrelease.
Sources: http://www.covenanthealth.com, http://www.thefttalk.com/kleptomania.htm, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kleptomania
4. Legal Penalties for Theft (i.e. stealing)
Legal penalties for stealing are the same no matter what the cause. In Malaysia, according to the Act 574 of the Penal Code (Revised 1997), the punishment for theft is imprisonment up to 7 years, a fine, or both. Second/subsequent offences are punishable by imprisonment & a fine/whipping.
Source: http://www.cjlaw.com
5. More Information on Shoplifting & Kleptomania
http://www.shopliftingprevention.org
http://www.shopliftersanonymous.com
http://www.psychforums.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=195
You can find lotsa real life stories here & also more information about people with such problems.
Main Characters in The Screaming Silence
Pei Jien: A 19 year old Business & Commerce degree student who is from Ipoh but is currently studying in PJ. She has family problems, kleptomania tendencies, & is generally insecure about life.
Joshua: A 21 year old Business & Commerce degree student. Pei Jien's classmate & main source of help & encouragement during her difficulty coping with kleptomania.
Wati: Pei Jien's classmate & closest friend, who does not approve of her kleptomaniac tendencies & believes that it is just a normal stealing problem.
Rajesh: Joshua's childhood friend & classmate.
Mawar: Pei Jien's childhood friend from Ipoh. She is currently studying Engineering in UTM. She is for most parts of the story, away in the US, furthering her studies.
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Introduction
This is my first attempt to write a novel, spanning a word count about 50,000 words, more or less. It is the result of my decision to participate in Nanowrimo 2005, which I failed to win in the end. My final word count at the end of it was 42,467 words.
Quite a number of people in my life have strongly urged me to finish this half-done writing project, & some have also been eagerly awaiting further continuations of the story.
For all who have contributed in one way or another towards helping me write that initial 42,467 words... I want to say thank you. I am still an amateur & very unconfident writer, so every bit of encouragement you gave meant the world to me.
I am now attempting to edit & hopefully complete this novel in due time. Please do be patient, and give me as much feedback & comments as possible. The plot is not really fixed, so you could possibly contribute to the outcome of the story. I shall notify all of you via email each time I update something here, to make things easier for you.
Once again, thanks for your support. I hope you enjoy The Screaming Silence. Happy reading.
Quite a number of people in my life have strongly urged me to finish this half-done writing project, & some have also been eagerly awaiting further continuations of the story.
For all who have contributed in one way or another towards helping me write that initial 42,467 words... I want to say thank you. I am still an amateur & very unconfident writer, so every bit of encouragement you gave meant the world to me.
I am now attempting to edit & hopefully complete this novel in due time. Please do be patient, and give me as much feedback & comments as possible. The plot is not really fixed, so you could possibly contribute to the outcome of the story. I shall notify all of you via email each time I update something here, to make things easier for you.
Once again, thanks for your support. I hope you enjoy The Screaming Silence. Happy reading.
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